Anger—it’s certainly normal to get annoyed about frustrating things that happen. It's normal to feel disappointed or hurt at times, to feel outraged about slights and injustices.

NORMAL ANGER pushes us to overcome challenges, to get things done. Sometimes, it tells us we're not being treated appropriately. It can impel us to protect ourselves from hurts, harassment, or threats. It encourages up to speak up assertively.

When NORMAL ANGER is working for us, not against us, we know how to talk assertively about what is irritating us. We don't necessarily act angry, but we use our feelings of anger to remedy problems. This is MANAGING ANGER.

When MISMANAGED ANGER is working against us, we are controlled by every stimulus which frustrates us, and by every person who pushes our hot buttons. We may get physical in expressing this anger.

Some people get passive, acting as if they were not angry, but saying critical things or making people feel guilty. Sometimes passively angry people do things that frustrate others or avoid doing things others count on. That injures others, getting back for whatever was done to make the person angry in the first place. They might think, “I’ll get you,” but they do it behind the scenes.

IRRATIONAL ANGER is like the tail wagging the dog. It makes us feel out-of-control, bitter, resentful. But that often leads us into troubles in our lives. We can turn it around , however, so we are in charge of these feelings, deciding consciously how we will respond.

Better Ways to Handle Anger. In a fit of anger, someone said, "Isn't it better that I expressed myself and get the anger out, even if I was totally enraged? ? The answer is: "Not really; it would be better to calm that anger and not add the effects of hostile behavior to the effects of getting angry. Then you can use the anger as a signal to handle the situation in a better way." ? Why do we say this? Because a pattern of reacting with rage has been associated with heart disease. Those hostile patterns interfere with relationships. Plus, they don’t effectively resolve situations. If you examine different events, the favorable outcome probably did not come from anger, but from healthy skills such as discussion, negotiation, offering alternatives, de-escalation, and calming down.

"I'm filled with so much anger, I have a lot of anger in me." You've heard that. Perhaps you've thought it. But actually that is not how it works. We do not have an amount of anger or a reservoir of anger within us. We react with physiological arousal, hostile thoughts, and enraged behavior — it's a response or pattern. That means we can recognize our pattern, identify the triggers for our response, and learn to change these patterns so we respond thoughtfully and tactfully.

Often, angry people have experienced traumatic or chronically unpleasant abuse or family or social events. They can resolve these experiences so those memories stop generating angry reactions. In psychotherapy treatment, therapists can help you analyze your anger pattern, identify the thoughts which keep anger going, determine more effective coping strategies, resolve traumatic or painful memories, revise inappropriate thinking, alter the relationships that rankle you, and teach you assertiveness skills.